No Shortcuts In Life…
There’s no shortcuts in life.
Only at one of those barber shops with the red and white poles. But not in life.
On Christmas Eve this past year, I was getting ready for church and I had my nicest Target shirt on. It’s all black with stripes. And no, not like a referee. Pin stripes.
Anyways, as I was rushing out the door I remembered that my Christmas tree had gone like about 97 days without water. The thing was like “Instant Forest Fire: The Home Edition.” And this was one of these flocked Christmas trees. Do you know what I’m talking about? It’s got all this fake snow coating the branches. The thing looked great. But with white powdery stuff everywhere. Kind of like a super model after some hard partying.
Anyway, I didn’t want to get my shirt all dirty with fake snow by bending down, crawling through the presents to pour cups of water into the base of the tree so I came up with an ingenious little plan to not only get the tree watered but save a lot of time in the process.
Lesson #1.
Never ever, ever, under any circumstances, no matter how pressed for time you are, no matter how great of an idea it may seem at the time, never, ever bring the garden hose into the house. Trust me on this. If you get nothing else from my story, take this one with you. It’s free. The Great Flood of Christmas Eve is what I have fondly named this cheerful incident. There was a lake in my house. I love fishing but not in my living room.
I mean, it makes perfect sense on paper. There’s the tree by the window. You remove the screen, you pass the hose through the window, you guide it into the hole. What can go wrong? You gently turn the hose on, you check for any leaks and viola, the tree is watered, my shirt is still clean and I’m on my way out the door.
Lesson #2.
Make sure that there’s no hole in the back of the base allowing gallon after gallon of water to quietly flow throughout the entire house. And always watch your back end. Because if you don’t, be prepared to use about 500 towels, blankets and sheets to soak up the water. And be prepared to have your neighbors laugh at you as they see wet linens being hurled through the front window onto the front lawn. And also be prepared to be doing laundry at midnight when Santa arrives. I could go on and on.
Lesson #3.
Never ever, under any circumstances, no matter how carefully you do it, never ever dry presents off in the microwave. But that’s a whole other episode.
There are no shortcuts in life.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
